{because i love her}

I've been really slacking lately.  On what, you ask?  Everything.  My house is a disaster, my 365 is neglected, I'm behind on editing the rest of the photos I took for my friend's daughter, Alexa, Kaydence has watched far too much television the last week, and my husband keeps asking when I'm going to make the chicken taco salad that I was supposed to make 5 days ago before the avocados go bad.  I have to say, I'm not proud.  All for what, you ask?  Calibrating my computer screen.

I have to admit, I'm not proud.  But my borderline OCDness kicked in bigtime with this project.  I just couldn't get my laptop to calibrate properly and so I finally broke down and resorted to the fact that I'm going to have to hook up our desktop monitor to my laptop and edit on there.  I've been having troubles lately with my photos not matching my screen when I get them printed.  I don't print much, so it has never been an issue, but now that I'm starting to do some shoots for other people, it really was time for me to calibrate my screen.  I'm a little frustrated though because I do a lot of my editing at night on the couch with my hubby watching tv beside me.  If I have to edit on our desktop from now on, that means I'm not going to be able to be near him since the tv and the desktop are in two different rooms.  I determined to get my laptop to a point where it's at least close.

Sorry to bore you with all those details.  All that to say, I'm feeling some guilt and regret that I lost those moments that I'll never get back.  And not just this past week, but all those moments that I've neglected a relationship in order to complete a task.  I always considered myself a "Mary" (in the story in the Bible of Mary and Martha), putting relationships over and above a task, which I'm embarrassed to say I took pride in.  But I was having a conversation with my husband about it the other day, just casually mentioning that I thought I was a "Mary" -- I don't remember the context of the conversation exactly -- and he exclaimed flat out, "you are totally a Martha."  And I quickly defended myself and said, "What?  I much rather sit on the floor playing with Kaydence than doing the dishes."  And he said something interesting that I never considered before.  He said, "no, honey, that's called laziness."  Laziness in that, I would choose playing with Kaydence over doing the dishes only because I was too lazy to do the dishes.  But if it came to a task that I enjoyed, I would probably choose the task over the relationship.  I kind of let the conversation drop there because I was feeling a little wounded, but only because deep down I knew it was true.  And it's probably not fair to generalize someone and say they are a "Mary" or a "Martha", because we have probably all been both at one time or another.  But this was an eye opener for me and I decided I have a problem.  I am lazy!  Ok, I won't generalize, but when it comes to some things, I am lazy.

The first step to recovery is admitting it though, right?  So I'm going to try my best, for the sake of my family and loved ones, to be better at not allowing a task to overshadow those moments.  Those moments that can so easily be dismissed, those moments when you say, "ok, honey, I'll read you a book in a minute...mommy just needs to finish this."  But when that minute passes, you don't follow through and before you know it you're on to another task, forgetting all about the promise to read a book.  So I'm striving for balance.  A balance of enjoying the things I love, without neglecting the people I love.  I'm brought to tears right now, just thinking of my sweet little family and how heart breaking that a treasured moment with them ever be neglected.

If you're still reading this, you must be a dear friend.  This got a little more deep than I had at first intended, but this is what has been on my mind lately, so how could I not share?  I received an email from a dear friend the other day, believe it or not, in the midst of all this inner reflection, and she said something very humbling.  She said, "...I'm a mom and a pastor's wife and I always say that I make no apologies...photography is not my whole life."   That really hit me because of what I had been dealing with this past week -- trying to get my computer calibrated and neglected more important things -- and I realized that I need to re-evaluate some things.  So here's to striving to live a more balanced life and not missing out on those "moments" we'll never get back.

So I leave you with a moment I was so blessed to share in.  Before Kaydence goes to bed every night, we read her books on our bed.  It's our special uninterrupted family time and I treasure that time with my two loves.  After we read books, Kaydence usually crawls/jumps around on the bed.  Well, the other night, I had my camera out while her daddy was giving her a tickle session after books...and this is what I saw through my lens.  I'm so glad I didn't miss out on this moment. :-)